Dear Draco and Ginny
by The DG Forum
Summary: The Daily Hogwarts is proud to present our very own student Advice column, featuring the formidable advice of Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley.
1. Chapter 1

_Students of Hogwarts,_

_You'll be pleased to note that this year Hogwarts has its own school paper. The paper, written by students for students, will feature many diverse sections, such as Sports, Clubs, Fashion, Literature & Entertainment, Homework Help, Wizard News, Muggle News, and an Advice column featuring the formidable advice of Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley._

_It is hoped that this paper will successfully foster inter-houses relations and be around for years to come. So, in order to ensure that your favourite columns and adverts flourish, please participate in and support the __Daily Hogwarts__._

_Sincerely,_

_Headmaster Albus B. Dumbledore_

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I'm crushing on this boy who doesn't even know that I exist. What do I do to capture his attention? How do I become visible to him?

Help!

Signed,

Invisible

_Invisible_,

I would suggest essence of skunk. You're bound to get everyone's attention that way. You can either utilise that pungent method, or you can just be obvious and ask the useless toerag if he wants to go out on a date with you. If he does not, be glad that you're invisible—you will be saved the humiliation of rejection.

~Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

There has been a recent infestation of Nargles in my room. What are your suggestions for helping curb their growing population?

Signed,

Knee-deep in Nargles

_Dear Knee-deep in Nargles_,

Why in hell are you writing me about these things? Why are you writing to me AT ALL? I'm not your bloody pot!

Signed,

Draco Malfoy.

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

Is it okay to date someone from afar (as in a distance relationship) and have a date (like go to the movies) with a boy, who is only a friend, and not tell my boyfriend?

Signed,

LadySin.

_Dear LadySin,_

It is OK, as long as you are OK with it inside. If it feels like betrayal, then kindly (or not so kindly) decline. If you feel that you are doing no wrong then, hey, why should you be stopped from having a little fun?

Signed,

~Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

What is the best spell to disguise ones appearance (preferable non-verbal), as I appear to have mislaid my, ah, invisibility cloak.

Signed,

Afraid to Stand Out.

_Dear Starving for Attention_,

I think the best spell for you would be the _Avada Kedavra_. No one will think about you at all if you go with this crowd pleaser.

SINCERELY,

One With the Best of Intentions (Draco Malfoy)

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I'm not sure he's really my boyfriend. He's never really asked me, but we spend all our time together and snog a lot. What do I do?

Signed,

Mis-Interpret the Signs

_Dear Mis-Interpret_,

Go with the old stand-by and tell him you'd like to start seeing other people. It's common courtesy to at least give him a heads-up before he sees you snogging one of his mates.

~Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

My boyfriend's birthday is coming up, and I'm absolutely clueless what to get him since he has everything and just smirks at me when I ask him what he wants. Any ideas?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Gift-Giver

_Dear Frustrated_,

Your fellow sounds like a right proper Slytherin bloke, so I'll tell you what I would want my girl to give me:

Lots and lots of things that are all about me. Sex, nude photos, a lovely mirror, hair products, sex, a public declaration of your undying love and admiration, sex, and lots of chocolates. I really like those chocolate covered cherries, especially when the sweet goo inside is all sticky on your lips and needs to be licked off...

Did I mention that you should give your fellow lots of sex? That's what we really want after all. Just wrap it up nicely like it's a gift, and we're yours for life.

~Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I'm mad at my boyfriend because he doesn't seem to appreciate all the great things about me, like my undying devotion, my great spell work, my large family that will love him like he needs to be loved. What can I do to show him how appealing I am?

Signed,

Hot But Not

_Dear Hot_,

I notice you didn't mention anything about physical attractiveness. Teenage boys care more about what's under you skirt than what's in your head, you know. Maybe if you actually showed him how appealing you are (and I seriously doubt that you are, considering you have to hide behind all those 'accomplishments') then he'd be more appreciative. If not, then I suggest you find someone who's more in your league.

~Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I've got a secret admirer, and I hope it's the guy I've been crushing on all year. He's been dropping a couple of hints, but I may be misinterpreting the signs. How can I tell if it's really him?

Signed,

Wishful Thinker

_Dear Wishful Thinker_,

Make some moves on one of his friends while he's around to see what happens. He'll most likely tell you in how he reacts, but you have to watch closely. Or if that's too bold for you, brag about the letters to a friend when he's nearby and openly claim that you think it's someone else. Then check the next letter or his behaviour to see if he makes an obvious attempt to prove that it's NOT the guy you claimed it was. Really, men are so easy to read. I'm sure you won't have trouble.

Wishing you luck,

~Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco, **

My brother is scaring off all my boyfriends. Now that I like someone new, I'm afraid to confess this to him because I fear he'll run off like all the others when he is forced to confront my brother. How can I get my brother to stop so I can get up enough nerve to tell the guy I like how I feel?

Signed,

Suffering Sister

_Dear Suffering Sister,_

Here's an idea: would your simply lovely brother fit into a broom closet for life? Think long and deep about it, why don't you. If not, I may also suggest finding a way to permanently paralyse the poor chap that you fancy – except for some essential body parts, of course. That way, you can make sure the fellow can't run even if your brother stood on his rather unfortunate head. You may also get an opportunity to act the very lovely liberator when you help him around. Though I will maintain that I like the broom closet idea.

Just kill that simply irreplaceable sibling if all else fails.

~Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I love this guy; he loves me. But we never talk! We just exchange lovely, beautiful glances from across the room; his intense green eyes exhibiting such pure love as they run across my body. I'm sure we're each other's destiny. So how do I push things forward? It isn't too early for marriage, is it?

My Romeo's Juliet

_Juliet,_

Please do not attempt to wax prose. You fail at it, miserably. Obviously, you are Juliet, and he is your Romeo since he only appears to be interested in your body (as his "intense green eyes run across [your] body"). I say take a leaf from Shakespeare and marry the boy, shag, and then off yourselves.

Incidentally, how tantalising is that body of yours? You might want to let a Slytherin bloke take a poke before you fasten on the shackles of marriage.

~Draco

**-x-**

**DG Forum Notes:** The above series of letters are taken from a game that our forum members participate in, as both advice columnists and subscribers. A member (acting like a student of Hogwarts) writes a letter to either Draco or Ginny, asking for advice. In turn, another member answers this letter as either Draco or Ginny (whomever the letter is addressed to). So, you never know who is writing what. ^_~

_The transcripts for these letters were taken from the Dear Draco or Ginny game on the __DG Forum__ (page 1, posts 1-14), where you can go and peruse the specific authors of each letter._


	2. Chapter 2

_Welcome to another edition of Dr__aco and Ginny's Advice column—the place where all your worries and concerns will be answered. No problem is too big or small for us to solve (unless you're a non-Slytherin and male, in which case you should direct your letters to the lesser-half of this partnership)._

_Just remember, we're here to help._

_Signed,_

_Draco Malfoy and Girl Weasel_

**-x****-**

**Dear Draco,**

I've been invited to the Slytherin Annual Orgy, and I don't know what to wear. Should I go with House colours?

Signed,

I Can't Wear Pink

_Dear Girl With Wardrobe Troubles,_

You do understand that this is the 'Slytherin Annual Orgy', don't you? We are going to be more concerned with the parts of you that are not covered with fabrics. I don't give a rat's arse about what you wear as long as it isn't scratchy or hard to tear off.

As long as you don't have hair the colour of carrots, like a certain bint I can think of, you can wear Merlin's old pink boxer shorts if you like. Our only request, as sex-loving Slytherins, is that you display your assets nicely and don't leave any doubt as to which gender you are.

Best thing would be to come naked.

~Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

There's this gorgeous blond guy in Slytherin that I'm totally in love with. He's sexy and snarky and just hot. D'you think arriving naked for the Slytherin Annual Orgy would make him notice me and give me a nice hot shag?

Signed,

Have The Hots for the Hottie

_Dear HHH,_

You're interested in a snarky blond Slyth? Whatever you do, don't show up naked. Make him work for you - give him the cold shoulder and ignore him. Remember that men always like mystery; it would be better to show up in a turtleneck and a floor length skirt, and then play hard to get. Men never like the easy girls, and naked definitely smacks of easy.

Honestly,

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I keep having these nightmares that the cream puffs are going to eat me, and I don't know how to make them stop. I knew I shouldn't have stolen those cream puffs from that Hufflepuff, but I was just so hungry. Do you think I'm cursed? And how can I stop the nightmares? I'm desperate for help. Even Goyle is beginning to look like a cream puff to me.

Signed,

Terrified of Pastries

_Dear Terrified,_

You're suffering from a guilty conscience, which will ultimately lead to nothing but your downfall. It's best to squelch such emotions quickly and without feeling, much like bursting a Bubotuber. If you have difficulty, I hear the Ravenclaws have a healthy supply of denial floating around.

And a shot of black label Firewhiskey before bed ought to take the edge off the nightmares.

~Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I used to be quite a favourite amongst the ladies, but now it seems like the fairer half of the school is pretending that I don't exist. I find this terribly inconvenient, especially with the SAO right around the corner (hope to see you there, BTW). How can I turn this around?

Also, why are turtleneck sweaters and long skirts suddenly in vogue?

Signed,

The Hottie

_Dear Hottie,_

Perhaps if you weren't such an egotistical pervert, the "fairer half of the school", as you call them, would not have to resort to such drastic methods with their clothes. I suggest you stop thinking that females are going to fall at your feet at the snap of your fingers and start proving to them that you are actually worth their time. Who knows, you might even learn something.

~Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

This girl I like might be crazy. She's constantly talking about things that no one thinks are there and making up creatures that I can't comprehend. I mean, the girl is hot despite this, but it makes having a conversation with her bloody impossible. Of course, conversations aren't really where I'm focused when talking with her. Instead, I'm looking at … other things. But if I don't pay attention to the damn topic, it's completely obvious thanks to her way of changing subjects, and I'm busted. Then after I get caught, she up and leaves in the middle of the conversation, like she's suddenly lost interest or something.

How do I pull of checking out her 'better features' while paying attention to her talking?

Signed,

Eyes that Need Candy

_Dear Candy-less,_

The problem here is not your lack of attention to her inane babbling; the _real_ problem is that the girl is doing any talking at all. Why don't you grow a pair and put that mouth of hers to good use! The first and most obvious thing that comes to mind is to snog her senseless. You can take it from there … one would hope. And don't worry about her being crazy; this is, in reality, a blessing. It's the crazy ones who do all the fun stuff.

If you find that you're not up to the task - and provided that she is, in fact, hot - don't waste her time and tell her to owl me.

~Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

Is it true that redheads are the best in the sack?

Charmingly,

Your Friendly Rogue

_Rogue,_

I don't think that it really matters if you're never going to find out.

~ Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I went to this party and got rather smashed. I ended up snogging some guy (I'm too embarrassed to say who) senseless. Wonderful, right? How wrong. I happen to be going out with the most wonderful guy.

I can't get this other bloke out of my head, but I don't want to break things up with my present boyfriend. What should I do?

Signed,

Kisses and Lies

_Kisses,_

First off, there's something you really need to understand: a "most wonderful guy" does _not_ leave anything to be desired, especially in terms of snogging – which, I might add, is one of the main reasons I am in such great demand by the general female (and male) population. So, if your boyfriend is indeed so wonderful, then you'd be groping each other in some corner of the library rather than writing this inane thing to me.

My first suggestion would be to indulge, and get this bloke in some other parts of your body rather than just your head, if you get my drift. But if you are indeed so attached to this "wonderful guy", then I am sure he would be wonderful enough to get a third male into the equation – if he is that wonderful, he'd do ANYTHING to keep his girl happy, right?

~ Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I have been in love with this most wonderful girl – she's my whole life, and my first ever love. She's an innocent, delicate flower. But lately she's been distracted when she's with me. Okay. I thought it was just a, you know, down cycle, or something. I understand her troubles.

And then she asked me something so shocking I couldn't believe it – she asked me if we would be in a 'threesome', if she could ask another male to … well … the idea is so sordid I will not speak it! My naive darling, getting so … positively kinky! I am horrified beyond words, and I now pray for her to return to her old self every single night.

What do you say I do? Is there any hope for her yet, or has the devil possessed her soul?

Signed,

Worried For My Beloved

_Worried,_

If I were you, I would be more worried about why she wants another man than the fact that she wants one. You are obviously not satisfying her needs and that should be your first priority. Put your mind to better use. I'm sure you could come up with some way of getting your girl to want you and only you.

If not, then maybe a threesome is for the best. Who knows, maybe you could persuade her to swap the man for a girl. That way everybody wins.

You could always save yourself the trouble and tell her to owl me. She wouldn't be thinking about other men when she's with me. I can promise you that.

~ Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I can't stop thinking about this girl. She may not be the brightest; in fact, I'm sure she's not quite right in the head. But damn is she hot. I can't take my eyes off her... her best assets, if you know what I mean.

You're a girl. You should know what it takes for a girl to stop talking and to do ... some other things with that mouth.

Signed,

Frustrated Sex God.

_Dear FSG_,

Maybe you should stop looking at her assets and start a conversation with her. Treat her like a human being instead of a thing to look at.

See if that progresses, and then maybe you will get your wish.

~ Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I have the BIGGESTEST crush on my best guy friend. But I don't know if he feels the same way, and I'm scared to make a move in case he just wants to be friends. Plus, his friends would probably make fun of me. I can't help it, but I think I'm in love with him.

~ Friend or Friendlier

_Dear "Friend",_

What are you, twelve? I thought this newsletter only went out to fifth year up . . . Because if you ARE beyond second year and still saying things like "biggestest", then you almost definitely won't have any luck with that potential romance. Not unless you've got quite a bit else going for you, if you know what I mean. As for his friends - unless you want them in on the action, who cares what they think of you? Many otherwise rather attractive people hang out with complete idiots who love to stand in the way; trust me, I know.

I suggest you upgrade your vocabulary, downgrade your wardrobe, and corner this boy alone somewhere. Then let things proceed naturally - just don't come crying to me if he rejects you, little girl.

~ Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

There's this boy that I think might like me, but I'm not sure. We've always had a pretty close relationship, but now he keeps touching me. Just an arm around my shoulders, playful tussling on the Quidditch pitch, that sort of thing. And he keeps glaring whenever my current crush is around. Is he jealous or just protective? I used to have a huge crush on him, and I'm worried he thinks I'm not over it, even though I have been for a while. I don't want to reject him outright, but I don't want a confession either. And maybe he doesn't even like me!

Confused About His Intentions

_Dear Confused,_

If he's touching you this means either of two things: he wants you or he's playing for a different Quidditch team than you are. If it's Blaise, then it's definitely both options.

Now, you say you have a current crush and you don't want to reject your old crush, but I say you still want him and there's no sense in denying it. I know all. That's why you're writing to me.

Is your crush touching you? I thought not. So get over it, snog/shag him and get on with it.

Worse that happens is the whole school finds out about it, talks about the two of you for weeks on end and then forgets about it. But at least you got him out of your system, and he gets laid. Everyone wins.

~ Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I have, like, ten guys after me. All of them are perfectly hot, sweet, and they really respect me - they're all really good guys. But all of them are in love with me, and I don't think of any of them that way. I'll admit, sometimes it's fun to see them brawl for my hand, because it makes me feel all important, you know? But sometimes I get sick of getting stalked all the time. I mean, hey, let me do my own guy scouting.

What do you think I should do? I'm just sick of being so wanted by so many people.

High Demand No Supply

_Dear Girl-Who-Gets-Around,_

Obviously, you're quite the looker. Perhaps we should meet sometime. Trust me, I feel your pain about having multiple people fawn after you at once. It IS fun to watch them fight, you know ... But come on, not all of them can be perfect. Though I do understand, it does get tiresome. So, here's your two options:

a) Become ugly

b) Get a devilishly handsome Slytherin to date you instead.

Signed,

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Are you free tomorrow night? I'd love to go out. You probably don't know who I am, but I definitely know who YOU are. And I really, really like you. If you accept, what should I wear? I only want you to be happy.

Love,

Your Secret Admirer

_SA,_

I would be thrilled to see you with a lovely potato sack over your head. I'm guessing that if I don't know who you are, then you obviously aren't worth knowing. Gregory will escort you to Hogsmeade in my stead as he owes me big for those naked pictures of Susan Bones that Creepy Gryffindor kid gave me. He too loves me and will do anything to make me happy. Maybe he can join you and Goyle, and you'll have a perfectly horrible time with each other. Brilliant.

Cheers,

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I'm trying to tell my boyfriend that he is a conceited prat and needs to get over himself, but he won't listen to me. It's driving a wedge between us because I cannot stand it when he gets all snooty with me.

Should I just, I don't know, break up with him?

Girl-In-Need-Of-Sage-Advice

_**G**__irl __**I**__n __**N**__eed,_

You must ask yourself if your boyfriend is entitled to be a 'conceited prat'. Maybe you're an unreasonable shrew. There are so many 'ifs'. The real question here is why do you stay with someone that you consider insufferable? You should know whether you want to be with him, conceited or not. Perhaps you should look into the reasons why you think he is 'snooty' and why you chose to be with someone as such. Did you think you could change him? Honestly, he sounds like an okay chap to me.

~ Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

My boyfriend wants me to meet his parent's whom I have never met before and I don't know what to do. What If I act like a fool and do something for them to dislike me? What should I wear? What should I say? Should I take a present for his mother, one for everyone or no presents at all? Please answer me as soon as you can. Also, could you attach the name of the product you use for your hair?

Sincerely,

Afraid They Will Hate Me

P.S. Should my outfit match his?

P.P.S. Can Amortentia be used to make people love you in a platonic way?

P.P.P.S. Is the suggestion above illegal?

_Dear Afraid,_

Breathe. In. Out. Do it with me now. Better? Okay, first off, just be yourself - a more polite version of yourself. Talk about light-hearted things, like studies and Quidditch. Bring flowers. Smile a lot. They will be impressed by your excellent manners and engaging conversation. If you can't do that, hand them a piece of parchment that says you've come down with laryngitis.

~ Ginny

P.S. I use Amber Gloss and Shine.

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Like, there's this guy who is totally all over me in public, especially when we're in the Great Hall eating dinner or out in the courtyard. But once we get out of the public eye, he always shoves me off! I keep catching him eyeing this blood-traitor Gryffindor girl. What do I do to stop my sweetie-poo from leaving me?

Signed,

Your sweetums

_My "Beloved" Pansy,_

If you ever address yourself as my 'sweetums' again, I will be forced to hex you. That said, as you might have forgot (you never were exceptionally bright), we learnt how to write together and I can recognise your curly U's straight off. So, for the last time, stop clogging up my mail with your brainless Hufflepuffy pleas.

~ D

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

My girlfriend wants to do it in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. I keep trying to avoid it, but she is now threatening to dump me if I don't follow her pleas. I really like her and her wicked ways, but having Myrtle spying on us is creeping me out. What do I do?

Signed,

Creeped Out

_Dear Creeped Out,_

I personally think you need to grow a pair and just do it. Spotty will probably be too busy wailing to notice anyway.

But if it really turns you off, I've noticed that Myrtle occupies the Prefect bathroom every Wednesday night between five and seven o'clock.

~ Draco

**-x-**

**Weasley,**

I know it was you with _my_ Drake down by the lake yesterday snogging him senseless, so I'm only going to tell you once: keep your filthy, carrot-topped, blood-traitor self away from my man or you'll find yourself sleeping with the giant squid.

I'm watching you,

Draco's Sweetheart

_Dearest Pug-Faced Bint,_

Why don't you troll for some Mermen at the bottom of the lake?

Now that I've got the pleasantries out of the way, Malfoy and I are just partnered columnists in the school's paper. Deal with it! I am not romantically involved with the ferret, so shove off!

Wishing you the best of luck with removing your large nose from your equally large arse.

~Ginny

P.S. Stop calling him _Drake_!

**-x-**

**Ferret,**

There's some rumour going around school that you're snogging my sister! This better not be true. In either case, I want you to stay away from her, or I'll arrange a meeting for you with a Hungarian Horntail dragon!

Watch your back, Ferret!

~R.B.W.

_Weasel,_

Congratulations on learning how to write coherently, though your powers of subtlety are definitely somewhat less than desirable. I suggest you have the Mudblood write on your behalf in future, then maybe people will begin to take you seriously.

As for your sister, I'm physically revolted that you think I'd _lower_ myself to the level of a blood-traitor - and a skinny, freckled little bint, no less. Maybe next time you'll use your head before accusing me of such vile actions ... or, maybe not, since you're rather inept at thinking with anything besides your lower anatomy.

Looking forward to meeting this 'Hungarian Horntail' you seem so fond of,

Draco 'Your Superior' Malfoy

**-x-**

**DG Forum Notes:** In regards to your question, anonyxx, Draco and Ginny do indeed write to each other from time to time. You can usually pick out which ones were designed to be written by them.

Some of these letters may seem familiar to you readers, and that is because we took down the original chapter two and have posted this extended and edited version in order to create a more chronological story. As such, these letters have been taken from several different posts from a variety of pages, but by all means feel free to peruse the _Dear Draco and Ginny_ thread at the forum if you wish to find the original authors of the letters.


	3. Chapter 3

_The __Daily Hogwarts__ presents the latest edition of Draco and Ginny's Advice column—the place where all your queries and troubles will be thoughtfully answered by our expert team of advisers (just don't go asking the ferret. His advice is about as intelligent as a troll's)._

_Just remember, we're here to help._

_Ginny Weasley and Ferret Boy _

**-x-**

**Malfoy,**

I am being harassed due to the many rumours circulating Hogwarts about you and I being together. Please squash these rumours as they do nothing for my social status.

You Know Who I Am

_Dear Whoever,_

They do more for your social status than they do for mine.

Draco M

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

Gryffindor is going to win the House Cup, right? My sister says Slytherin has it in the bag, because Draco is such a great Seeker, but I thought I'd ask you, since you're on the team and all.

How much should I bet her that we'll win?

Signed,

Proud Gryff Firstie

_Dear Firstie,_

I don't like to brag, but of course Gryffindor have it in the bag! Malfoy wisheshe was a great Seeker. Truth is, Harry is way better.

I probably shouldn't encourage betting, but what the hell! Bet whatever you like, because obviously we're going to win.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Weasley,**

Don't deny it. I'm Hogwarts' best Seeker and you know it. You really shouldn't be encouraging firsties to gamble, especially when you know they'll lose.

You Know Who (Not the Dark Lord)

_No One Cares,_

Please, don't make me laugh. And while we're on the subject of things that you shouldn't be doing: don't clog up my inbox with your whiny little complaints.

Besides, Hogwarts' best Seeker? That's not what the House Cup says, when it's been in our possession the last three years.

Weasley

**-x**-

**Malfoy,**

What the hell are you doing in an advice column?

Signed,

Your Curious Best Mate

_Blaise,_

Getting private information and insight into the lives of Hogwarts students.

Draco M

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

See, I used to have pretty great skin when I was, like, eleven. But now I have so many pimples! I even tried to curse them off once, but my nose came off. And that hurt. Merlin. And you ... well, you have such pretty, clear skin! I love it. And I hate my skin. My nose took bloody ages to fix back on. And I have a LOT of pimples.

You're the only one that can help me, Draco! Don't let me down!

Spotty Sorceress

_Dear Spotty,_

You must be raving mad to think that I curse pimples off my radiant face, because I don't. My skin is flawless. You will just have to live with it—some people have pimples to make the rest of us look even better. If nobody had pimples, who would appreciate beautiful skin?

But don't worry ... you'll clear up. And then, instead of pimples, you'll have a face pock-marked almost as bad as Mad-Eye Moody's. You never can win, can you? Oh well.

**-x-**

**Dearest Ginny,**

I really miss my ex-girlfriend. She broke up with me a while back, but I still don't know why. She claimed I was always "unnecessarily trying to help her through the portrait hole". I mean, what kind of excuse is that? But I really miss her; I can't stop thinking about her: the way she always bites her lip when she's nervous, the way she smells of apple pie, the way she names her chocolate frogs ... I just miss everything about her.

I really want to continue dating her. I can really see her as a permanent fixture in my life. She would be a perfect housewife.

Can you tell me how to win her back?

~Anonymous and in Love

_Dean,_

Give it up. I would not make a good housewife! How sexist is that? Anyway, leave me alone and stop bothering me.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I know how popular you are at school, but is it true that your reputation has spread to the Muggle world? If so, that's not good. We have to keep the Wizarding world a secret. There will be less and less purebloods if wizards keep having, uh, relations with Muggles.

Signed,

Concerned Pureblood

_Dear Concerned,_

There's a handy little spell that works admirably on Wizards and Muggles alike: _Obliviate_. Look it up, learn it, use it, and do yourself proud.

Unless you're the one having "relations" with Muggles. If that's the case, just do yourself in, you blood-betraying arsehole.

Draco

**-x-**

**Draco,**

Y wont u return my owls? Ive run out of ink + no1 will lend me ne. (Prof. S will b snappy about _that!_) I wish ud tlk 2 me sum time. I miss u. C me again? Plz.

All my luv,

Beautiful Purple Flower xxxxooooxxxxxooooo

_Most Probably Not Beautiful Flower,_

Please use correct spelling and punctuation and then perhaps I'll reply to your owls.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Malfoy,**

My friend has been a little distant lately and I am getting worried. We used to be really close, but lately she has been closed off, and I'm not sure what to think of it. She was really happy for a few days and then something must have happened, because she started spending less time with everyone. She tries not to show it and acts normally most of the time, but every so often, when she thinks no one is looking, I see her sneak glances at the Slytherin table to a certain fair-haired Slytherin.

I'm really worried for her, and I don't know what to do. I've tried to get her alone to try and talk to her, but nothing will work; even when I tried helping her with her Herbology assignment, she was a shadow of her normal lively self. I don't know if I'm looking too deep in to it, though, because even her brother hasn't noticed her odd behaviour, but then he's not the brightest spark and is mostly off losing Gryffindor points. Please help me ... ah—I've got to go before this Devil Snare gets out of hand and breaks my Remembrall.

What should I do?

Concerned Gryff

_Concerned Gryff,_

If you're talking about who I think you are, it's because she can't stop looking at me. And I don't think it's anything you really need to worry about; it's only natural.

Malfoy

**-x-**

**Weasley,**

As much as I love it, please refrain from staring at me at meal times, because your silly little friends have got all worried and are whining at me.

Malfoy

_Malfoy,_

For the millionth time, stop clogging up my mail! Unlike you, I have actual work to do. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, you can stop spurting lies. Staring at you? Ha! You flatter yourself. Where on Earth did you get such silly notions? The only thing I look at that is remotely near the Slytherin table is the wall behind your abnormally large head, which leads to the only explanation that you were looking at me. Ha!

Oh, and, Malfoy, what do you mean "your silly little friends have got all worried"? I demand you tell me who's been writing to you, or are you lying about that too? I think the Hat forgot to mention lying was one of the Slytherin traits.

~GW

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

There's this girl from another house who I've been chasing since the start of the year, but she's very ... special. She won't react to my smooth advances like the other girls, and sometimes I feel like her blue eyes are staring right through me. I don't have a problem getting any girl I want, so why won't this one realise that the most expedient result would be for both of us to end up in bed?

Perplexed

_Perplexed,_

Believe me, I think I know exactly which bint you're talking about. But first off, these chicks are nutters, and they don't dig smooth. You need to drive them off a bloody cliff. After all, you don't want her to be staring at the ceiling and looking for goddamn Nargles when you want a hot shag.

Basically, this girl is obviously not your ordinary piece of cake. So, either you get a nice easy blonde and have your way with her instead—I'll always suggest that—or you can go shopping and get her a nice pair of radish earrings. You're in for a tough ride, Perplexed. Hold on tight.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I was recently in a relationship with Draco Malfoy, but now darling Drakie insists it was just a fling and he doesn't do relationships.

What do I do?

Pretty Flower.

_Flower,_

Get over him. I don't know why this comes as a shock to everyone these days.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Draco,**

I swear to Merlin, if I get another letter from one of your conquests, I am going to dismember you. Please give them advance notice that you're the 'use them then lose them' type. For the love of Merlin, please.

If You Don't Know Who, You're An Idiot.

_Not-Dearest Idiot,_

Jealousy is not a colour that suits you.

And I can't help it the ladies find it difficult to move on from me. What can I say—I'm hard to forget.

Sexy In-Demand Beast

**-x-  
**

**Ginny,**

None of my friends will believe me that I'm descended from royalty. How can I get them to understand that my good looks, charms and wealth aren't pure chance?

Regal

_Up-Yourself,_

Go speak to Malfoy on these matters. He's the snobby, rich bastard.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Draco,**

If, hypothetically, someone spilt honey all over you at breakfast tomorrow ... would you let me lick it off you?

Hungry

_Dear Hungry,_

It depends who you are. If you're Pansy, sorry, I've already had you. If you're not, well, you're welcome to meet me in the Slytherin Common Room at midnight. Remember to bring the honey.

Draco

**-x-**

**Malfoy,**

You're such a prostitute. Will you always be one or do you plan to straighten up soon?

Icy

_Frigid,_

Being a prostitute implies that I charge for it. I figure it's a crime to deprive women of the glory and privilege of having their minds blown by blissful, screaming orgasms. So, please don't be upset that you're obviously not attractive enough to hold any interest for me.

D. Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Why are you so nasty to people who write to you? This is an _advice _column, not an abuse column.

Hurt

_Hurt,_

I'm not being nasty; I'm being honest. If you can't take it, then I suggest you stop writing to me for advice for your petty little 'problems'. Try Weasley, I'm sure she'll appreciate hearing you whine.

D. Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I'm being bullied by some Slytherins. Please help me!

Victim

_Victim,_

Give me names, and I'll guarantee those pesky Slytherins will slither back to where they came from.

Ginny the Conqueror

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Will you marry me?

In-Love

_Dear__Not__In-Love,_

No, so quit bugging me. Besides, you'd have to add your name to the 'Malfoy, Marriage Potential Register'. To get your name on it, you have to go through a test, of sorts. Meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight—that is, if you're not Pansy—to see if you qualify. Bring chocolate.

Signed,

The Slytherin Sex God

P.S. I don't blame you for falling for my irresistible charm and dashing good looks.

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

Is it safe to use love potions? And have you ever used them for yourself?

Love My Potion

_LMP,_

While I am not entirely sure of all the adverse affects of love potions, I will say that they are considered dangerous, if too much is administered at once or doled out for over an extended period of time. Besides from the potential health risk of your intended paramour, it really isn't the way to get someone you care about to love you back. I would never recommend using it. Just talk with your crush. Maybe s/he likes you too!

Ginny

_Postscript: I say use love potion. It's always amusing to see some berk running around, acting like a fool. And, though I don't know your gender, I will inform you that all my food, drink, and gift-testing goes through Crabbe and Goyle first._

_Also, did you notice how Weasley didn't answer your last question? Why do you think Potter's so enamoured with her? _

_~DM_

**-x-**

**Dear She-Weasel,**

There's this Gryffindor tosspot whom I'd like to throw off a bloody cliff and see if his infamous title would remain apropos. Since you seem to be sweet on Type A personalities, I am curious if you'd like to meet behind a Greek statue for a nice snog after the aforementioned assisted 'accident' takes place.

Signed,

Slytherin Sex God

_Dear Slytherin's Limp Troll,_

I would not go near you with a ten-foot broomstick, even if you were going to do a rather interesting experiment on an unaware Gryffindor tosspot. You should be ashamed of yourself: first for thinking of doing such a thing, and second for thinking I could accompany you. As for the snogging, you can get that out of your mind right now if you think my lips will be going anywhere near yours. Who knows where those things have been!

Signed,

She-Devil


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you for all your perfectly pathetic letters about your perfectly pathetic lives. By all means, keep them coming. I do so love to get involved and help peopl—_

_**Malfoy, stop being so rude!**_

_**Ahem. Don't mind him. Please, keep writing, and we will keep responding with our **__**helpful**__** advice.**_

_Yeah, send those letters. Please._

_Draco Malfoy and Girl Wea—__**Ginny Weasley**_

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

You work closely with a Slyth on an almost daily basis. How on earth do you do it? I am a Ravenclaw and have to tutor a Slyth, and it is driving me insane! Can you offer any help or advice?

Troubled Tutor

_Dear Troubled Tutor,_

My advice to you is to start drinking, heavily. You can trust me. I wanted to be a Healer once.

~Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Why are you so, like, mean to everybody? Today in the hallway, I'm pretty sure you, like, actually growled at Ginny Weasley when she threatened to hex you. Growled! What's up with that! Did somebody, like, zap your puppy when you were a kid? Seriously. I think you need to cool it. Just because you're incredibly sexy doesn't mean you get to go around growling at people.

Trying to be Nice

_Trying to be Nice,_

It is because I am incredibly sexy that I can go around doing whatever I like. Also, if you are even going to think about writing to me again in the future, refrain from over-using the word _like._ I will not say this twice.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

Do you, like, have to threaten to hex Draco all the time? I mean, could you not just, like, try to be nice? Like, seriously, it's almost like you want an excuse to talk to him. Just because he is impossibly good-looking and wealthy and you're not doesn't mean you should be rude.

Trying to Fix Things

_Dear Incompetent Match-Maker,_

I would first like to point out that Ferret Boy is typically the first to speak to me, so I don't need to find excuses to talk to him—he seeks me out. While I may or may not agree that he is 'impossibly good-looking', I do not consider myself shallow enough to take his charming smile or beautiful misty grey eyes or even his luscious blond locks into consideration when judging his character. He is still a toewart. An impossibly attractive toewart, but a toewart nonetheless.

In regards to your question, however, I'd like to see you refrain from hexing someone who is as incompetent and spiteful as he is. Especially when having to work in such close range with him.

Sincerely,

Mind Your Own Bloody Business

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I've noticed that you have really pretty hair. Do you use a kind of hair spray, maybe a hair dresser you could recommend? I'd really appreciate it. My hair is so frizzy.

Gal With The Wild Locks

_Granger?_

I knew you'd send me a letter at some point. I just never thought you'd set yourself up to be publicly humiliated. I guess you're not 'the brightest witch' of your age then, are you? Wait. Hold on. Aren't you older than the rest of us? Anyway, why are you asking me how to fix your hair? My hair is naturally perfect, just like me. Aren't you the genius with the library card? Figure it out yourself.

Don't write to me again Mud-Granger.

Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Lately, I've been feeling like my best friend and I have been growing apart. She spends her time with so many other people now and tends to just leave me alone most of the time. How can I let her know that it's hurting me without damaging our friendship even more?

Lonely

_Dear Lonely,_

Since you are such a whingeing moron, it's no wonder nobody wants to be around you. If you had any money, maybe you could pay someone to spend time with you, but I doubt it. You're either a Hufflepuff or Ron Weasley. And since Hufflepuffs are notoriously loyal to each other ...

Hmm ... Weasley, has Granger gone off and deserted you now that she's managed to tame that rat's nest of hair down a bit? (On my advice, I might add ... ) Why not just crawl off into your little tower and leave the rest of us alone. We'll all be a lot happier.

Take Potter with you.

Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I have a few horrid stains on my favourite blouse, and I was wondering (since you're a woman and a Weasley) if you knew any good ways to get them out? I've tried all kinds of spells and cleaning liquids, but nothing has worked. Even the house-elves couldn't help.

_Dirty Laundry_

Dear You-Cross-Dressing-Misogynistic-Arsehole,

Just because I am a woman (and I am not even going to address being a Weasley) doesn't mean I can make your stains disappear.

Oh, no, wait! I have an idea! How about you take your blouse and shove it up your arse? Then, jump in the Black Lake, drown yourself, and repeat. That should get that stain out in no time!

Not amused,

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I've always admired your stunning good looks while you are playing Quidditch. Most particularly, your tight pants. By any chance, could you recommend who your designer is? I am looking to go into tailoring after I finish school and would be most interested in working for such a fine establishment that tailors such flattering clothes—such as the clothes you wear. I would love to help—ahem—fit something for you, if you know what I mean.

Mr. Future of Fashion

_Dear Unfashionable,_

Clearly you are not the tailor you wish to be. It's not exactly a secret who designs my pants. There are tells in every crease of my trousers. By all means, send an owl my way for a time and place. But don't expect me to turn up.

D

**-x-**

**Ginny,**

My friends keep talking about these crazy things called 'Forums' on the 'Internet', which is apparently where they go to talk. Do you know what they are? Because I have no idea. And why don't they just owl each other, like normal people?

Lost in Translation

_Lost,_

I asked Hermione, since I can't seem to focus in Muggle Studies (try having your father monopolise the dinner conversation with endless diatribes about com-pew-ters and see if you don't learn to tune out on all things Muggle), and she said Muggles owl on the 'In-ter-net' through 'e-mail', which is a Muggle technology that enables them to communicate instantly, like Floo ... then she started going on about simple mail transfer protocols and I tuned her out.

I think it's because Muggles don't haveowls. Poor things.

Gin

**-x-**

**Draco,**

I really like this guy, and his sister told me he likes me, but he hates all my friends and acquaintances, and neither of us are brave enough to make the first move. No, I'm not Weaslette.

Cowardess

_Granger,_

Quit asking me for advice. It's normal for everyone to hate all your friends. Get used to it. If you like Weasley, just corner him in a dark room somewhere and take your clothes off. Even he's not that thick. Wait ... forget I said that. He probably is.

If you want, owl me to know when you plan to do this. I could use a good laugh. And pictures.

And quit insinuating I have anything to do with the Weasel's sister. I don't care what she told you.

D

**-x-**

**Draco,**

How **dare** you accuse me of being—ugh. I will find your cupboard, and I will kill you.

Not A Mudblood

_Delusional Muggleborn,_

I doubt it, Granger.

D

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I have a crush on Moaning Myrtle. Is this normal (my friends say it isn't)? I think she is perfect.

Myrtle Addict

_Dear Addict,_

Although she is a very nice girl, er, ghost, this is not normal. Seek help.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I'm trying to revise for my O.W.L.s, but every time I open the books a friend comes over and starts talking to me, distracting me.

How can I tell my friends that I don't care about how their crushes look at them, or how peach really isn't their colour?

I want to know these things, just not when I'm trying to remember how to turn a teapot into a bird cage.

Caged Owl

_Owl,_

This problem bores me. Who cares if you don't know how to turn a teapot into a bird cage? A teapot is certainly more useful than a birdcage anyway. In fact, that's what you should do. Bore them to death with your problems, and then you won't need to worry about them bothering you with problems you don't care about. (Hmm, this scenario sounds familiar, doesn't it.)

D. Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I seem to have a thing for romanticising the villain. There's this gorgeous guy a year ahead of me, and I know he's a huge bully, and I know he's a rude, conceited prat ... but every time he casts a derisive glance my way, I just melt.

I keep trying to justify it—I spend time convincing myself that he's misunderstood, or that it'll be worth it because he'll be so good in the sack. It sounds so stupid in a letter, but the nice guys I date just don't hold my attention, especially not when I'm busy fantasising about the bad boy in leather pants.

Is there something wrong with me?

Worried

_Worried,_

Well, it's common to romanticise the bad boy. I mean, as a woman, you sometimes feel the need to reform him, to steer him away from his insidious nature. Or, maybe you just like to fantasise about his shining arrogant eyes roaming over your body with a sort of dominance, watching his muscles shift when his shoulders move under his thin shirt. His slender yet toned body, capable of such tremendous energy and control—a cruel body, really. One that he uses against you time and time again, leaving you breathless and shaking, trembling on the floor, against a wall, on the stairs ...

Uhm ... no, there's nothing wrong with you. It's healthy to fantasise. But just do that for now: fantasise.

I would love to continue this further but I-I have to go do something right now.

Good luck!

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

What's Malfoy Manor really like?

Curious

_Curious,_

Haven't you heard that curiosity killed the cat? And it's not like you'll ever have the opportunity to see for

yourself what the manor is 'really'like. Go back to your hovel and leave the superiors to their own lives, undisturbed by the plebeian masses.

-D

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I've always wondered how the Gryffindor girls of Hogwarts felt about the effeminate swank of Draco Malfoy's flying clothes (not his formal Quidditch gear), including leather pants. I ask you since you seem to be such an expert on 'shining arrogant eyes' and eyebrow language. I suspect you will give an honest and unbiased reply, even though you and he are family enemies (or have you graduated to mortal nemeses now?).

I am waiting on aching tenterhooks for your swift response.

Signed,

Insouciance

_Insouciance,_

Well, I'm sorry to say this, but I've never really given this a thought. After all, why would I notice what Draco Malfoy, of all people, is wearing? You said it. We're mortal enemies, not secret lovers.

I assure you, I would never be the type to notice how those leather pants look so fabulously—

How his clothes look so darn good on his—

How attractive he is with windblown—

Oh, you know what? All you need to know is that Gryffindor girls do not care in the least about what a slimy Slytherin is wearing when he's practising Quidditch, and thatis my honest answer. Okay?

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco!**

Do Crabbe and Goyle already have girlfriends? Because I have seen them looking in my direction, but I am not sure if they are looking at me or someone else! If they do have girlfriends, please ask them to 'avert' their eyes. If they don't ... well, then, just point them in my direction. I believe that they are pretty good-looking. Especially Goyle.

Pick Me.

_Pick,_

It would seem you are more in need of Trelawney-worthy glasses than the attention of the two rock formations that are Crabbe and Goyle.

Besides, you'll have to fight to get in between the two of them. If you haven't noticed, they favour the creamy filling in cake more than the tall, cool drink that goes with it.

**-x-**

**Ginny,**

There's this girl ... and, well I think I'm in love, but she doesn't know I exist. I watch her constantly, and I love everything about her: her ruby-red hair, her scent (treacle tarts and broomsticks), her cute little freckles, and her fiery temper. She used to like me, but lately she has just started to seem so ... distant. It's starting to border on strange, really. I've even caught her sneaking around the dungeons sometimes—Merlin knows why. I don't know how to get her to notice me again.

Potty for the Pulchritudinous.

_Harry,_

I've told you enough times! I still like you, okay? You're like a brother to me. But I'm not twelve anymore—as I'm sure you have noticed—and I do not smell like treacle tarts! Or broomsticks, I hope. Thanks for all the compliments, though. Now go get over yourself and snog Chang already; she looks like she could do with some.

I'm sorry. Really.

Oh, and about the dungeons, I have ... business there. You know. Potions. Yeah. I do extra Potions there—remedial Potions, and all that. I've, uh, learnt a lot.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I think I'm dying! I've been haemorrhaging all day long, and my stomach is cramping up something awful. Have I been cursed? I want to go see Madam Pomfrey, but I can't move from the toilet. I got my best friend to write this letter for me and send it to you.

Please help!

Signed,

Bleeding Internally

_Dear Blaise,_

Very funny.

DM

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I hear you managed to raise your potions grade from Terrible to an Exceeds Expectations since you got a new tutor, and I was wondering if you could give me his or her name? I still can't tell the difference between Tubeworms and Murtlap tentacles. Thanks so much for the help!

Failing, Hard

_Dear Hard,_

What tutor? I have no new tutor—at least when it concerns other people sharing said tutor, he does NOT exist.

I can understand you're failing at Potions, and I do sympathise, but I have two words for you: WORK HARD. And here's nine more: find your own tutor and stay away from mine.

Thank you,

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I'm blonde, buxom, and kinky, and I suck at Potions. Since Ginny can't help me with this, I thought I'd take the matter directly—I've found out about her new 'tutor', you see. Care to share your Potions academic genius with a much more sincere, HOTTER person?

Think about it.

Sexy Non-Potioneer

_Dear Non-Potioneer,_

Anyone who describes themselves as 'blonde, buxom and kinky' is either ugly or male. I'm not interested in either. Besides, I'm the only beautiful blond allowed around here. As for tutoring Weasley, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I know that I'm irresistible and all, but these lies of yours that we're together are getting rather ridiculous—especially since I'm getting nothing out of it.

Go find another male to terrorise, or at least give me a reason to play along.

Signed,

Tired of Stalkerish Redheads

_Draco,_

Just go and—argh! I didn't start those rumours, okay? People must have seen that one time when we, um, fell over, and our lips kinda attached, but we couldn't get them apart because someone had cast the full body bind curse on us. Yep, that's it.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Malfoy,**

I never thought I'd be writing to you for advice, but I need help. How do I win back this amazing, beautiful girl? She's a redhead, feisty, and I'm in love with her. She used to be besotted with me when she was younger, but now she just ignores me. Any help?

Besotted.

_Potter,_

Stop being so transparent. And maybe try Transfiguring your face, then Charming your personality.

Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

There is a certain Hogwarts librarian that I have fancied for some time. However, she seems to fancy a certain barkeep in Hogsmeade that appears to prefer goats over the company of women. How can I show her that I love her?

Signed,

Crazy Cat Man

_Dear ... um,_

Er.

Oh, dear.

_Pardon my partner's loss of speech, Mr Filch, the effects of a childhood trauma of poisonous gnomes occasionally return (rest assured that she is undergoing intensive treatment, which will hopefully cure her moments of ignorance as well). What she means to say is, good luck with wooing over your paramour. _

_Firstly, you absolutely __**must**__ show her how disgusting goats are, thus creating the perfect opportunity to sort out the opposition; secondly, I can say that, from personal experience, women love a good, sudden, passionate kiss._

_I am assuming, of course, that Mrs Norris will be quite capable of providing a good training ground._

_Draco Malfoy_

**-x-**

**Malfoy,**

You may be pleased to know that your quick response generated some quick ... improvements. You may not be pleased to know the kind of mental scarring I had to suffer for it.

Red, in need of a hood

_Red, in need of a hood,_

This is a question and answer situation. Come back when you have a proper question to ask.

Draco


	5. Chapter 5

_New edition, new problems, and all answered by your friendly advice columnists. _

_**Friendly**__**? What is this sick-making rubbish? Weasley, I thought I told you—**__[the rest of this transcript is too illegible to read]_

_Just remember, we're here to help._

_**Dra**__—Ferret and Gin—__**Weasel**_

**-x-**

**Draco,**

My mother's birthday is coming up in the next few weeks, but I'm short on pocket money. There's a trip to Hogsmeade next week—any suggestions on what to get her?

~Contemplative

_Contemplative,_

If you're after something on a budget, you should be writing to Weasley. Money is no object in the case of my spending habits, so all I have to recommend is something expensive and shiny.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

There's this devastatingly handsome boy in Slytherin, who has a laundry list of fine attributes. These include, but are by no means limited to the following: he's wealthy, debonair, a ridiculously good dresser; he can tango, has a knowledge of fine wines, is a very good cook, and he is single.

The question I have for you is: why haven't you asked him out yet?

You-Know-Who

_He Who Must Not Be Named,_

I'm not entirely sure why you're taking an interest in my love life rather than gathering your army of Death Eaters, but the fact of the matter remains that this boy is a Slytherin. Your use of that word made me instantly stop caring about your letter. I wasn't, however, aware Blaise Zabini is a good cook. Maybe he could teach me a few tricks in the kitchen. I'll make a note to suggest a lesson soon.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Should I tell my new boyfriend that my ex got a restraining order against me because on a full moon I danced naked outside his house around a fire made in a dustbin, burning fish scales and his underwear?

The Person Right Behind You

_Dear The Person Right Behind You,_

You need help.

~Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

You left a particularly interesting article of clothing dangling from a lamp in the Slytherin Common Room. I was able to collect it for you before Goyle got a hold of it.

Want it back?

Signed,

Fun Nights

_Fun Nights,_

I hate to shatter your fantasies, but I've never stepped foot in your slimy Common Room. Perhaps you should ask Pansy about the article of clothing. I hear she has a penchant for skanky lingerie.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I am a male and like to wear girl's lingerie. Does this make me weird? Also, have you seen a green lacy slip? I misplaced one in the Slytherin Common Room the other night while Crabbe and I were having some fun. I mean—

Never mind.

Signed,

Confused Cross-dresser

_Cross-Dresser,_

Yes, you're weird. I suggest you book yourself into St Mungo's, because it's freaks like you who disgrace the Wizarding name.

Please refrain from mentioning this again in my presence, or I shall be forced to perform an unforgivable.

D. Malfoy

**-x-**

**Ginny,**

I have you down for prefect duty on Thursday nights, but I've noticed you keep switching my meticulous patrol schedule so that you're on Tuesday. I think it must be from an error on your part, because Tuesday is Malfoy's night and I can't imagine you'd want to patrol the halls after dark with the likes of him, so I've gone ahead and changed it back for you.

See you soon!

Hermione

_Hermione,_

Being the intelligent witch that you are, you would realise that my wish to change my patrol night to Tuesdays has nothing to do with Malfoy. In fact, if you had done your research, you would see that the Gryffindor knitting club (of which I am the proud president ) meets on Thursday nights.

Please stop changing my schedule.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Malfoy,**

What have you done to my sister? Was it a love potion? _Imperius_? I know you've done something, because Hermione tells me that she's been changing her schedule to your night so she can attend the Gryffindor knitting club. Well,I did my research and I haven't heard of this so-called knitting club.

Don't think I'll let you get away with this. I know you've bewitched her somehow. Why else would she want to do patrol with a pointy-faced git like you?

Signed,

Red-haired Anonymous

_Weasel,_

It's not my fault I'm so irresistible. Don't come whinging to me; it's nothing to do with me.

Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I heard you're president of the Hogwarts knitting club. I, myself, am an avid knitter and was writing to ask you, as the president, if I could join? It's just that people have been teasing me about it and saying I can't knit, when actually I'm a winner of competitions.

Not Knitting Knots

_Not Knitting Knots,_

I'm sorry, our wool selection only comes in crimson and gold, so unless you're a Gryffindor, I'm afraid I can't let you in the club.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I don't know what to do. Everyone thinks I'm the president of a knitting club, but there is—and never has been—such a club. I can't even knit for Merlin's sake.

What do I do?

Signed,

Unravelling to Pieces

_Unravelled,_

Hmm, doesn't this sound familiar? I do believe the last letter I received mentioned something about a knitting club ... Ah yes, an Anonymous Redhead was particularly irritated about his baby sister being a member of said club. Can you say 'blackmail'?

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

You say the wool selection is only crimson and gold? Well, that's brilliant because I am a Gryffindor! Where do we meet?

Not Knitting Knots

_Not Knitting Knots_

I'm afraid the knitting club has been disbanded. Forward all complaints to Malfoy.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I'm terribly scared of heights, and I've never told a soul. This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact that my dorm is at the very top of the castle ... and my friends insisted on sneaking out to play Midnight Quidditch. They'll think I'm a total twat if I refuse another invitation, but it'll be about a hundred times worse if I tell them the real reason I can't go, especially since I've officially run out of excuses. What do I do?

Petrified

_Petrified,_

If you had any shred of dignity left in you, you would never have let the Sorting Hat put you in that pathetic excuse for a House in the first place. It's not my problem Gryffindor is filled with suicidal maniacs. Maybe you should take a leaf out of your Muggle-loving booklet and go take a trip to the Wizard of Oz.

Draco.

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

Your brother is _hawt_. I'd love to sit with him and run my fingers through that luscious red hair for hours. What's he like behind closed doors? Is he as funny and charming as he seems in class?

Signed,

Charmed by Gingers

_Charmed,_

No. He farts and during the summer, and he sometimes doesn't bathe for days.

I don't want to hear about anyone thinking my brothers are attractive.

Stay away.

Signed,

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

You seem to really know how to handle your broom. Any tips for a novice like me?

Signed,

Inexperienced Firstie

_Firstie,_

Normally I wouldn't give you lot the time of day, but I feel the need to take you under my wing. Maybe it's your innocent, sloppy handwriting, or your adorable gullibility. Who knows, eh?

See, the secret to handling your broom is all in the grip. Can't be too tight or too loose. Get a good hand on it and it'll do whatever you want. My best advice? Practice long, hard, and often.

And if you think I'm talking about Quidditch, you're as gullible as I thought.

Draco

**-x-**

**Ginny!**

I know you're using love potions, because I can smell them on you. I have an extraordinary sense of smell and I can actually taste the love potion in my mouth when you are around. That flowery smell is letting you get boys lining up to be with you. So could you please tell me which love potion products you use? And how you get them into the castle? Last time I tried, Filch used the security sensors and confiscated mine.

Desperate

_Dear Desperate,_

Please leave me alone. Don't follow me. Don't sniff me. Don't taste the air I breathe. You freak me out and, frankly, you are passing a line. If I see you anywhere near me, I won't hesitate to tell Professor McGonagall.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Malfoy,**

How do you make people dislike and avoid you? I'd like to learn from the master.

Sincerely,

Stalked

_Stalked,_

Normally hexing them does the trick. I suggest _Jelly-Legs_, or perhaps a hex that could mar their personal appearance.

Draco

**-x-**

**Draco,**

My girlfriend won't let me get the house-elves to do my washing for me—some tripe about them being slaves or something. Totally ridiculous, of course, since we all know the things get off doing work for us. Anyway, how can I convince her that it's okay for them to do my washing—or at least figure out a way for them to continue doing it without them knowing?

Sick of Dirty Laundry

_Dear Dirty Laundry,_

Dump the girl and find one less crazy.

Sincerely,

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

My friends have been turning against me lately, saying I'm being ridiculous when I say that Voldemort's a dancer. But he is—I've seen him. How can I prove to everyone that I'm telling the truth?

Awed Witness

_Dear Witness,_

I think perhaps the best method is to take a nice little trip to Madame Pomfrey's. She'll be sure to, er, convince everyone of your brilliant discovery. And, if she asks you to drink a potion, you drink the potion_._

Best of luck,

Ginny

**-x-**

**D,**

I heard, despite the popular belief, that you (also known as the Slytherin "sex god") are actually a virgin. Is this true? Then again, of course you wouldn't answer about that in the public forum ... but if you want to confess (maybe in the Commons, the usual time?), I know plenty of girls who would be willing to change that, mate. And if it turns out you swing the other way, I know a couple guys too.

B

_B,_

SWING THE OTHER WAY? SWING THE OTHER WAY? You have got to be kidding me. As if I, Draco Malfoy, would swing the other way. Do you really think that they call me the Slytherin Sex God just because? My private life is my private life, so mind your own damn business.

Draco

**-x-**

**Ginny,**

You're cuter than a guinea pig. How can an average guy (like me) date a babe like you?

Zach

_Zach,_

For starters, lose the guinea pig line. Seriously, comparing a girl to something with 'pig' in the title? Lose all the corny lines, actually. All they will get you is a glare and for the girl to roll her eyes at you. Just be yourself. Sweet, romantic gestures are also nice. Respect the girl and listen to what she says.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

People keep making fun of me because I have kind of a big nose. I'm tempted just to charm it smaller. Just a little bit, nothing too drastic. I never thought it was that big or anything until they started teasing me about it, but now that they've pointed it out, I can't help but think maybe they're right. The problem is that the only charm that I can find that will shrink my nose for a long period of time is irreversible. I'm not sure I want it to be changed forever, but I want it to be changed for as long as I'm still in school—and I'm in third year, so I've got a while to go.

So, do I make it smaller? I know you'll probably say it shouldn't matter how I look so long as I'm happy with myself, but these kids are just so mean and I go to sleep crying every night. Please help me.

~Nose Job?

_Dear Girl-with-the-abnormally-large-honker,_

I don't know why you're under the impression that I would tell you looks don't matter. Obviously, they do. If looks didn't matter then I, Draco Malfoy, wouldn't be the ... No, actually, that's a lie. I'm still extremely intelligent, amusing, rich, and all around better than the rest of the population. I don't need my looks to get by—they're just an added bonus.

I'm going to assume, however, that you don't have the luxury of being perfect in all areas of life, so I would suggest going with the nose job. Not only will it make you more attractive, but you'll probably get felt up more. That makes bints feel better about themsel_—_

_I again apologise, Nose-Job. Ferret-boy has no idea what he is talking about. In fact, I don't know why you addressed your question to him in the first place; insulting others is his favourite past-time. He did, however, have a point in there somewhere. Looks aren't the only thing that make a person, and you should simply show them your other fine attributes. Thirteen-year-old boys grow up, thankfully, and I'm sure that you're beautiful just the way you are. I think you should perhaps question yourself and remind yourself of the things you like about you. That will boost your ego and in time you will see that those who truly matter will like you just the way you are._

Weasley, stop hijacking my letter response. Nose-Job, shrink your nose. Trust the beautiful one of the pairing. Me.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I've written to you previously, and though, at first, I attempted to take Ginny's advice, I found your original opinion to be more to my advantage. I did the spell to shrink my nose in the girls loo the other day, and while it is now smaller and I feel more attractive and more confident, I must have performed the spell wrong. At random intervals, especially when walking past groups of Gryffindor girls, these huge bat-like things will fly out of my nose and attackme! It's nothing I've ever heard of before, and I've been to the infirmary, but the nurse has assured me I am fine. Why does this keep happening to me? How can I make it stop?

~Bats in the Cave.

_Dear Bat-Bogies_,

Something is definitely up with you. I don't know where the bats came into the picture _at _all. It's either that blasted ghost in the girl's loo hates you, the Gryffindor girls hate you, or, to put it simply, you suck at Charms—take your pick (I'd choose all three).

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I am a fourth year girl who has a serious problem: I have never been kissed. All of my friends and classmates have been kissed, but not me. Is there something wrong with me? What should I do?

Signed,

Snog-less Student

_Snog-less Student,_

If you are desperate, Michael Corner is your best hope because he will do anything. Literally. Ask him to kiss you in front of all your friends. Problem solved.

Ginny Weasley

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I recently found out that the guy I'm crushing on might be a Death Eater, but he has the best arse in the castle. What am I to do?

Signed,

He's Too Hot to Lose

_HTHTL,_

And you are asking me for advice on this?

Listen up: I have enough of those sorts of troubles without resorting to condescend, sympathise, and generally waste time with the likes of _you. _Maybe Death Eaters do have great arses—Merlin knows that with all that exercise, it's sort of ironically inevitable. But enough of that. All right? Either grow a brain and stop crushing on people you might dump on account of them possibly being evil, or—like I'm trying to convince a certain redheaded wench—ignore all else and love him anyway. You might reform him.

Maybe.

Probably not.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

As you know, there has been a massive Nargle infestation in mistletoe this past year, and I was curious if there have been reports on Nargles relocating the mistletoe near the sycamore grove just east of the Forbidden Forest. I only ask because I saw you kissing Draco Malfoy under a tree yesterday. Was there mistletoe hanging from a branch?

Those mischievous Nargles!

Love,

Luna

_Luna,_

WHAT? Yes, of coursethere must have been a Nargle infestation. They seem to have got to your brain, my dear, because I most certainly did notkiss Malfoy under a tree last night. It's not like that would have been the highlight of my holidays ... Ahem.

Please avoid those Nargles,

Ginny


	6. Chapter 6

_Here's the next edition of the only __decent__ column in this rubbish magazine. Not that the feeble-minded letters you keep sending us do much for our style._

_Oh, yeah, and remember that we're here to help, or whatever that sick-making nonsense is we're supposed to put down to appease the blubbering masses._

_Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley_

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I suspect that one of my best friends has fallen in love with me. I'm not interested in having a relationship with him. He is rather unattractive, but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

What would be the best way to let him know things should remain like they are?

F

_F,_

I suggest finding a guy you do have an interest in and snogging him senseless in front of said friend. He'll get the hint then. Or blabber continuously to him about how hot you think I am, or some other bloke (as if they would compare). Weasley would like to suggest dropping into the conversation how glad you are to have him as a friend and to be courteous of his feelings; also, to make sure he does actually love you before/if you decide to speak to him, as it would be awkward if he doesn't (Ha! That would be hilarious!).

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I love reading your column, but I was wondering: why is Draco such a douche? No offence, of course, but he's just such a . . . a . . . well, prick! What's it like to have to stay after hours alone with him, answering questions in the Room of Requirement? Must be pretty awful.

Love,

Fangirl

_Dear Fangirl,_

It's terrible. Being left alone with him. After hours. In the Room of Requirement.

Yes, you're right. It's awful.

Hate to cut this short, but I've got _so_ many letters to reply to.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Draco,**

I know it was you who borrowed my D&G cologne for your big date with little Red. If you don't return it to my room by the end of the day, I will inform big, stupid Red that you're shagging his baby sister.

B

_B,_

I haven't seen your D&G cologne. Have you asked Crabbe or Goyle? You know how they like to steal things, especially my things.

_Draco, wasn't his D&G cologne on __YOUR __dresser this morning?_

No, Ginny, it wasn't. I'm writing to Blaise anyway, so keep off the parchment.

Anyway, Blaise, 'little' Red is busy distracting me, so hopefully you find it. Besides, you have a dozen of those bottles on your dresser—how did you even know it was that one missing?

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

If you could be any type of fruit or vegetable, what would you be, and why?

Inquiring Mind

_Dear Curious,_

A nice red, sweet strawberry. For obvious reasons, I should hope. Of course, now I'm curious as to why you'd ask such a question. Blasted anonymity.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Malfoy,**

I wouldn't normally ask you for advice, but it's either you or Ginny, and I can't ask her. I really like one of my best friends, but I don't know if she likes me or if I should just forget about it. What do I do?

Cool Ranga

_Weasel (because I know it's you),_

Stop trying to throw off the scent by using 'she' and 'her' in your letters. We all know you want to shag Potty. Personally, who and what you do on your own time is your business. I wish you two many ginger, scarred, and bespectacled children.

Oh, and don't worry about telling Ginny. She's got someone else to occupy her these days, if you catch my drift.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I want to do something really romantic and special for my girlfriend's birthday. You're a girl, what would impress you? Or what would a girl like? Help.

Birthday Girl's Boyfriend

_Dear BGB,_

I think you need to realise that girls are not the same. What I like may be completely different to what she likes.

Romantic and special though . . . Well, a moonlight picnic down by the lake sounds soppy enough.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

What would be the best way to treat a girl, in your opinion?

Enigma.

_Enigma,_

Any way that will get me what I want.

That might mean charming a favour from a great-aunt (who may or may not have an excellent collection of handy artefacts), topping the class in potions so that a certain bushy-haired smart-arse turns purple, or cornering an unnamed witch in a corridor and snogging her until she's breathless and ready for bed (because for all her fire, she loves being cornered).

Just decide what you want and keep your cards close.

Good luck,

DM

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

My best friend has been acting strangely recently: sneaking out of the dormitory at night and not returning until just before breakfast. She's even getting odd looks from the Slytherin table! Who would have thought that my best friend, a Gryffindor no less, would be up to something with Slytherins!

I'm worried about you—I mean her!

Concerned Friend

_Concerned,_

Don't make me laugh. Your concern for me is about as large as your love for spiders. Besides, I don't need your help. You're only interrogating me because your very curious girlfriend has been bugging you about it.

By the way, I'm sorry for all the times I've offended you and called you a girl in disguise, because no matter how daft you are, you certainly cannot replicate how girls talk (or write). You fail, Ron. You fail_. _Also, tell Harry he will regret it if he lends you his cloak so that you can spy on me when I exit the common room to study_._

Ginny

P.S. STOP butting into my personal affairs. Seriously, if these 'anonymous' letters don't stop, I'll have to owl Mum about the white-socks incident. That's right.

**-x-**

**Malfoy,**

I'm being blackmailed. What do I do?

Help! ASAP!

Lion

_Weasel,_

Do try next time not to be so transparent. I believe your sister, my business partner, has already quite kindly asked for you to stop meddling in what's obviously none of your business. Also, before you ask, any 'business' she has with the Slytherins is strictly legitimate. Haven't you heard of inter-house unity?

As for your question, firstly, getting yourself blackmailed means that you haven't been all that careful with whatever you've been doing, so technically it's your own fault. Suck it up. Secondly, since when have I been obligated to help you? Certainly not after I've lost any respect that I'd had for you in the past, which I never had. Quite frankly, I loathe you Weasel.

Malfoy

**-x-**

**Ginny,**

My, er, best friend—well, one of them, anyway—has been driving himself nuts over his sister. Last night he borrowed, um, a certain belonging of mine (without my permission, I swear) and didn't come back until just after midnight. He came back looking all pale and didn't answer me even after I kept calling him three times. If he's seen something, he's not talking.

And now this morning he barely ate anything. His girlfriend and I are worried for him. What should we do?

Worried Friend

_Harry . . . I mean, Worried,_

He didn't! Oh no. Really? I think he was hallucinating and maybe you should get him to Madam Pomfrey right away before he suffers some sort of permanent brain damage. And don't believe a word he tells you. I swear it's not true, no matter what he claims. Deluded people say the oddest things . . .

G

**-x-**

**Draco,**

How good is your _Obliviate_ spell?

Your 'Business' Partner

_Business Partner,_

Don't you remember?

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I have kidnapped Mr Tubbles and will subject him to the most gruesome of torture unless you pay up with what you owe me.

You know what I'm talking about.

Signed,

Tottie Teacup.

_TT,_

Astronomy Tower at 2 AM. Bring the hostage. Come alone.

DM

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Is it true that you share a bed with a decrepit stuffed bear more often than a girl? Figures that a Malfoy would require an inanimate object to love him back—should have never worried about my sister, apparently.

You don't need to bother denying. I'm just writing so that when the 'Mr Tubbles is Our King' anthem (with matching button campaign) is sung loudly throughout the next Quidditch match, you'll be fully aware that we're humiliating you.

Signed,

Revengeful Redhead

_Weasley,_

I have no idea what you're talking about. And besides, you wouldn't dare because if you did, I would video my next rendezvous with your sister and send it to you for your birthday.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I have decided to take up sketching as a hobby—you know, with charcoal. And then I was thinking I might try my hand at painting with water colours. Anyway, what I wanted to ask was if you could recommend any good places to sketch, and uh, could you be my model for a sketch too, please?

Artist-in-training

_Artist-in-training,_

You should try sketching in the Owlery. It is such a nice place. And regarding the other question, with clothes or in my birthday suit? It depends, really. Most probably I will say no.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I'm a guy in Slytherin . . . and I've been raised very strictly. You know. Slytherins = wonderful. Gryffindors = scum. But I've heard that all that 'bravery' and the 'guts' and the 'strength' that Gryffs have make them . . . you know, animals in the bedroom. Dude, I'm curious as hell. Is this true? If you would recommend me crossing the line, how can I go about . . . taming a lion?

Hungry for Lioness Meat

_Dear I-Need-To-Grow-A-Pair,_

No doubt you are cradling that sore jaw of yours. Don't worry, I made sure it wasn't broken. Fractured, perhaps, but not broken. Wouldn't want you gaping like a codfish all week now, would we? I also suggest you keep it that way instead of going to Pomfrey. Maybe the girls will now think you're actually a boy with some backbone instead of a girl in disguise. (I should probably mention that you definitely squealed like one when you were hit. Figures.)

Also, don't call me 'dude'.

Malfoy

P.S. Don't let me catch you hitting on her again. You know who. Else I will personally make your life a living hell.

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Sometimes my lamp talks to me. And no, I'm not crazy. I think my friend charmed it. How can I get it to stop without losing my mind?

Crazy Confused

_CC,_

Buy a new one. Also, you might want to try a _Leek Jinx_ next time you see your friend.

Regards,

Draco L. Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I tried a love potion on Filch and it worked. But it was a dare from my friends and Filch found out it was me! And he won't leave me alone, the stupid Squib. He is always stalking me and leaving messages for me with the Fat Lady (who gives them to me whenever I enter Gryffindor Common Room).

Help me, please! What do I do to get him off my back?

Stalked

_Stalked,_

I suggest going to either Professors Snape or Slughorn and asking for an antidote. If you're too shy (or embarrassed) to do that, you'll just have to wait for the effects to wear off. No love potion lasts forever, so I suggest you just be patient.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Draco,**

What's the deal with all of the house-elves, man? Maybe you should grow up and clean up after yourself instead of relying on other poor, mistreated creatures to do your dirty work for you. Man up, brother!

Freedom Fighter

_Granger,_

I'm not your brother.

Draco M

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

My father wants me to intern this summer at the _Daily Prophet_. As much as I want to please him, I hate journalism and don't want to do it. What do you think I should do? How can I get out of it?

L

_Dear Loser,_

This is the stupidest shite someone's ever written to me about. Simply tell your father that you don't want to do it. Chances are that you have a father who won't lock you up in a dungeon in order to convince you that his way is the right way. If you did, he wouldn't be 'asking' you to intern as journalist. So, just say no. He might get himself into a strop, or you may be forced to do it. Either way, suck it up.

Draco

**-x-**

**Ginny,**

You've been spending a lot of time in the stacks in the library. Are you working on the research project for Binns? Because I could really use a study partner . . . Maybe we could share notes?

Though, I've noticed that you've been in the shelves in the Divination section, not Goblin history, but that doesn't make sense because no one ever reads about Divination. (D'you think the rumours about Trelawney and Pince having that falling out are true?) But I can't think of another reason you'd be doing so much reading, so I thought I'd ask.

Well, let me know either way!

CC

_CC,_

I understand you wanted a letter from Ginny. You won't get it. She isn't able to tutor you either. She's too busy studying with me.

That's right. Call Granger if you need help, I hear she's into that stuff.

D.M.

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

What are some really kinky sexual positions? I wanna impress my girl for her birthday in a couple days, and she's really into that kinda stuff.

Unoriginal

_Unoriginal,_

Karma Sutra. Buy it. Read it. Live it.

Draco


	7. Chapter 7

_Students of Hogwarts,_

_Draco and I would like to thank everyone for their, er, illuminating and thought-provoking letters. We regret to inform, however, that this will be our last column featured in the __Daily Hogwarts__. We, and our Headmaster has agreed, that the advice column has done its job in, er, fostering inter-house relations (that, and Draco and I are still having trouble blocking the nightmares)._

_No longer here to help,_

_Draco (thank Merlin) Malfoy and Ginny (still wondering why she's dating this ill-mannered ferret) Weasley_

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Today I woke up with . . . erm . . . well, safe to say it was a 'glorious morning'. Obviously this is a regular thing with us males—I'm just concerned because, well, the only thing I can remember about my dream is . . . my sister.

Please tell me I'm not an incestuous pillock and that this is something you've heard of/had happen. Please, for the love of Merlin.

Regards,

Got Wood

_Wood,_

I have no siblings. You are an incestuous pillock.

My advice? Sleep with someone who looks like your sister and get it all out of your system. Hell, just sleep with your sister if it bothers you that much! Just don't write to me about it.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

Lay off Draco Malfoy. He's mine. He's been mine ever since his mother introduced us and started planning our marriage when we were four. Take your filthy fingers off him—there are other ways to get money.

Do as I say, or things will get nasty.

Draco's Dearest One

_Draco's Not-So Dearest One,_

I'm going to blunt: he's with me. That was his choice, and I think you should just get over it. He obviously doesn't like you.

Oh, and one other thing: tell me what to do again and I'll hex you into next week.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I heard from your friends Crabbe and Goyle that you pocketed a small present wrapped in green in your second year. I was wondering what it was, because it may have been my twenty-year-old chocolate frog. If it was, please may I have it back?

Lost Frog

_Lost Frog,_

No.

Draco Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I am a Hufflepuff, seventh year, and my boyfriend graduated from Hogwarts last year. He and I wear promise rings because we want to wait until we married before we become intimate. This has been frustrating for me because I am somewhat curious about . . . sex. I love him very much, but I've met a boy from Slytherin and we have become very close. We meet in the library every day and sometimes on the Quidditch pitch.

Lately there has been a certain tension between us—the good kind of tension, if you know what I mean; I have a feeling that he will try to kiss me soon. He is completely gorgeous, and maybe it's because I am lonely, but I think about him taking me down into his dungeon and . . . well. They say there are chains hanging from the ceiling in the boys' dorm area, and I would be lying if I said I'm not intrigued. What should I do?

Signed,

Hungry Like the Wolf

_Dear Hungry,_

If I know one Slytherin man (and I do—don't tell Ron), I know that he's playing you, darling. If you haven't already succumbed to his subtle, sweet flirtations and that charming, roguish manipulation, get the hell away from him while you still have the brain to do so. Call your squeeze and let him know that you need to spend the Christmas hols 'exploring' some things, if you must.

If you're in over your head, at least do the noble thing and break it off with Mr Promise. You don't seem the type to keep illicit trysts a secret. Either way, you're only young once . . . and those chains are pretty fun.

Ginny

P.S. I thought Hufflepuff had a secret penchant for deviant activities—you might want to ask that boyfriend of yours a few leading questions before you throw him to the wind. I hear they're handy with a riding crop . . .

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

My boyfriend left me for a trashy girl who's failing Potions. Now, even though he said he wants to be friends, he won't even talk to me anymore. While I miss him so much as a lover, I also miss his friendship. How can I at least renew our friendship and perhaps get him back from the red-haired bint?

Sincerely,

Ysnap Nosnikrap

_Ysnap,_

He'll leave the redhead and love you again if you dye your skin purple, bathe in dung daily, and have a romantic relationship with the Giant Squid (to make him jealous, of course—jealousy works wonders in mending relationships). Or you could move on and find a new boy to stalk. It would probably do less damage to your reputation, and your skin.

DM

P.S. And henever said he wanted to be friends.

**-x-**

**Draco,**

So is the Firebolt 4000 compensating for something?

Signed,

Better at Quidditch . . . and other things.

_Potter,_

You wish.

Malfoy

P.S. I'd like to send out a special thank you to Worried for being so inspirational. I think that I've proven that there's nothing that needs compensation. Right, Weaselette?

**-x-**

**Ginny,**

My boyfriend told me I was getting fatter. Do you know any particularly painful hex I could use to make him feel sorry?

H.

_H,_

My Bat-Bogey Hex is fantastic, but a witch never divulges her secrets. I would suggest going to Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes and have a look at their prank range. They would have something to get pay back.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I told my girlfriend she is getting fat. I was just trying to point it out so she might want to do some exercising or something like that. Obviously, she took it the wrong way as she's not speaking to me at the moment. What can I do to get back in her good books?

Reciever-of-the-Cold-Shoulder

_Dear Girlfriend Victim,_

Of all the words to choose from, you used the F word? It's widely known that women, aside from being fickle, tend to choose the smallest, most trivial detail from everything you do and interpret it in the worst possible way, and they are especially partial to the word spelled F-A-T. You will have to do exactly as I say if you want to live long enough to beget offspring.

Assure her that you think that her 'filling out' (and use these exact words) is actually a pleasant change from all her previous dieting (and think about it for a moment—aren't you tired of treating someone to a perfectly good meal only to have half of it thrown down the drain because she's 'on a diet'?). Tell her that you will care for her no matter her appearance. At least a fraction of genuine feeling is required to pull this off correctly, and, if you have those things (feelings), then she will most likely forgive you. Otherwise, don't be surprised if she continues giving you the cold shoulder or hexing you into oblivion.

Also, watch where she goes during Hogsmeade trips. Wouldn't want you to turn into a canary any time now, would we? Actually, I don't care if you get turned into a bird.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

How do you deal with that brother of yours? Myself, I can't get over his temper. It's atrocious.

Headache in Herbology

_Dear Headache in Herbo,_

Bat-Bogey Hex works for me. Once I wave my wand to the spell of it, his _talking contraption_ that I call his mouth immediately shuts off. Which lowers down his temper, which is not atrocious anymore.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Rumour has it you're a bottle blond. Is it true? Does your whole family dye their hair? If so, what shade do you use? I'm thinking about dyeing mine.

Curious Brunette

_Dear Curious Heretic_,

I am appalled you would dare ask such a thing . . . I cannot even form the words. Potter, I would sleep with one eye open, if I were you. If this isn't Potter, then whoever you are, you are a small-minded, tactless troll; I have a bit of required reading for you. The first bit is Miss Manners' Book of Etiquette. The second is last month's Witch Watch. On page 35, there is an article on my mother, as well as tips on how to 'get the look'. No one can duplicate the inherent class of the Malfoy family, but you may try. And fail.

Still Insulted,

DM

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

My boyfriend invited me to a fancy restaurant, but I'm afraid I'll use the wrong fork for salad or the spoon for dessert. Help!

Etiquette Ignorant

_Etiquette Ignorant,_

If you have no clue about which fork to use, why in Merlin's name is your boyfriend taking you to such a restaurant? Does he not see you have no class? Idiot.

Draco

_P.S. Draco, you git! Sorry, Ginny here. Excuse his crass lack of caring. I suggest __Miss Manners' Book of Etiquette__ or something similar. Have you considered asking your boyfriend to show you? If all else fails, you start from the outside set of cutlery and work your way in. _

_Ginny_

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I have horrid trouble controlling my temper. The tiniest things just grate on my nerves so much that if I have to put up with them long enough, I will spontaneously combust (literally—it's how they knew I was a wizard in the first place).

Please help. I've alienated my family and friends, and now I just don't know what to do anymore.

Reign on Fire

_Reign on Fire,_

Professor Slughorn may be able to give you a potion to control your temper. Or you could just count to ten when you get mad or do something calming, like yoga or pilates.

Ginny Weasley

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

Me and my girlfriend are getting quite serious, and we feel it's time to take the next step. Unfortunately, I am somewhat lacking in girth in a certain department. I am not concerned about her, as she's petite and it would be just the right size for her. I am worried about my reputation amongst the fellows. You see, I'm a Quidditch star, an excellent duellist, and a bit of a celebrity around here. I have a lot of expectations to live up to. I've heard you are quite gifted in this respect, and I confess myself shooting glances at your large bulge, in envy and ecstasy. Any tips?

Signed,

The Boy Who Lacked

_Potter,_

I do not want to know these details about you, or that part of your life. Are you trying to give me nightmares?

Malfoy

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

I have been having a few problems with my boyfriend. His breath really reeks and when I kiss him, I always retch. How can I put it subtly to him that he needs a mint?

Minty-O

_Dear Minty-O,_

Sometimes, you just need to be blunt—tell him his breath reeks and to get a mint. If he still loves you after that, then it's meant to be. If not, you no longer have a boyfriend with bad breath. Win-win.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco, **

Recently, I've been hearing a lot of weird grunting noises coming from this guy's bed in my dorm. It happened again last night and today I noticed some balled up tissues lying around the bed and a bottle of Eaze Lotion on his bedside table.

It's obvious what he was doing, and the other guys have been wondering what we should do. It's got to the stage where we can't sleep anymore. How do we tell this dude that we can hear him polishing his wand and we need him to shut up?

Sleepless

_Sleepless,_

Next time you're disturbed, ask him if he'd like the rest of you to help him. Best if this is loud and sarcastic. I find a nice arrogant drawl works well when you're intent on humiliating a deserving idiot.

Just be prepared with a retort if he agrees to your help—unless you swing that way, in which case . . . have fun, I guess.

Draco

**-x-**

**Dear Ginny,**

Last night I found out my boyfriend keeps a lot of stuffed animals in his bedroom and that he occasionally talks to them. I heard him saying, 'So, Mister Bubbles, I hope you aren't jealous of [my name]?' and 'Tinkles, do you want a hug? Daddy wants a hug!'

Should I be worried?

Certainly-Not-Mister-Bubbles

_Dear Dating a Nutter,_

When Dumbledore asked me to host an advice column, I thought it would be a good opportunity to help others. Now I find that I am deeply disturbed about how many people at this school have serious issues. It's rather frightening, really. I may have to talk to the Headmaster about lightening the study load or maybe have students screened for signs of spell damage. I can't walk the halls anymore without questioning whether or not any of you are sane. It's no wonder I'm dating a certified prat, since he seems quite normal compared to the rest of you.

As for Bubbles and Tinkles, I'd say run far and fast. This guy might be talking to his toys today, but tomorrow he'll be listening to the voices in his head that are telling him to maim and dismember things.

Ginny

**-x-**

**Dear Draco,**

I'm worried that my girlfriend is a nymphomaniac. All she ever wants to do anymore is ditch class and snog. At first, I didn't mind much, but now it's kind of irritating and tiresome. I really like her, but she was so different at first. Was she just faking it to do me? She really seemed to care, but now I'm just not sure. Ever since our first time together, every time she sees me it's all, 'Let's go some place quiet. Let's go and be alone . . .' I wish she were back to the way she used to be.

Sexually Unsatisfied

_Weasley,_

You have two options: you realise that you've been playing for the other team far too long and go fish for scar-head, or you go and find some intellectual stimulation with Granger. Whichever one you choose, stop bothering me! Dear Draco wants to ditch class and snog your sister.

Malfoy

**-x-**

**DG Forum Notes: **Yes, this indeed the end. We hope you enjoyed reading the selected letters that were taken from the original Dear Draco and Ginny thread to create this story. If you wish to read more, or even participate yourself, feel free to check out the thread at the forum. We won't be adding more to this story, but the game is still very much in progress. The link to the forum can be found on our profile.

A special thank you to Lia (lncognito) for helping with the editing of these chapters and giving us the idea to turn our little game into a story. Also, we would like to thank all members who participated in the thread and gave us such amusing (and, as Draco would say, nightmarishly disturbing) letters to work with.


End file.
